Food For Thought

By Paul Apgar

Jan '03

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Essay: Struggling with Chopsticks

Keep those sticks in your own bowl!

You've all tried them. These two wooden sticks that come in that colorful paper wrapping. It's so inviting... pretty paper, snapping the sticks apart and placing them in your fingers. There's also the whole cultural draw where you feel like your silverware (woodenware?) matches the meal. All is where it should be... the planets are aligned, the ocean tides ebb and flow gracefully, you can even hear songbirds chirping outside your window. Life is good.

Then you try to eat rice with them. Just when you think that's rough, you spot that huge piece of General Tso's chicken on your plate. You know, the one which the chef forgot to chop twice in the kitchen? "How can I fit THAT in my mouth?" you ask yourself. And whole eggrolls? I won't even go there.

I must divulge a secret to you. Those things they hand out at the Chinese restaurants are not the real thing. They are nothing but balsa-wood wannabe's which do nothing but add to your frustration. I think they're really used so that the wait staff can laugh at you. In fact, I've heard that over in China and Japan they actually have whole TV shows dedicated to clips of silly Americans trying to eat with those chopsticks.

If you've ever seen people who bring their own REAL chopsticks, they look nothing like that! Some have built-in springs, larger handles for your hands, etc. They're not sloped at the end to a point so that most things you grab with it fall off or fling into your friend's eye, they are fully square at the end. Some are plastic, others are metal. Amazing.

Not everyone has their own pair of chopsticks, though. The fastfood culture still wants to eat with chopsticks but doesn't want to sit there scared of trying to handle a Peking Ravioli in a single bite, or try to eat rice one grain at a time. So what's a person to do in this situation??? That's where my latest culinary invention comes in... the Chork and Chife!!

Introducing the Chork and Chife

The incredible Chork and Chife. Patent pending.

After watching a fellow employee struggle with chopsticks (to protect the innocent we can call him M. Spector, or maybe Marty S. would be better) I decided that something needed to be done. All those little pieces of rice being eaten individually... it was driving me crazy! He didn't want to switch to the fork and knife, because then he would have been admitting defeat. There was no way out of this situation, until the Chork and Chife came along.

The Chork is a chopstick with a small fork at the other end of it. The fork is not too large as to make it unwieldy in a normal human hand. The Chife is similar, except that a knife is on the other end instead of a fork. Together they both make a very powerful eating tool that can pick up the most monstrous of items off your plate.

These pieces of ingenuity allow those who use chopsticks a way out if they run into trouble. Spot that HUGE piece of chicken or ribs that you can't get down in one bite? Just Flip the Sticks! (tm) The utilitarian fork and small knife will cut down any large food, without having to completely switch to silverware. It's amazing!

The Polls

Polls will be discontinued due to lack of participation.
Please don't feel bad I stopped crying weeks ago.

Recipe of the Quarter

Lean Chinese Boneless Pork Ribs

Since we're on our Asian theme a little bit... I'll share one of the few (read ONLY) dietary recipes that I use. Boneless Pork Ribs are one of the staples of Chinese food, and it takes second place only to General Tso's chicken for population census on my plate. They're a little chewy, nice and sweet, and always juicy. Mmmmmm. I almost chewed through my keyboard cable just thinking about them.

That's what I'm talkin' about!
Boo-yah!

The problem with these ribs is they are usually full of fat and are generally unhealthy for you to eat. Now I don't count calories, only pounds, but even I try to grab the leaner portions when I'm browsing the buffet table. This recipe is a little unique in that it uses Pork Tenderloins which are less fatty than actual ribs (or whichever part of the pig they use to make these things.) I hope you enjoy this recipe

Ingredients:
Pork Tenderloin
Jar of the Red Rib Sauce (AH-SO sauce is good)
Squirty Bottle of Honey

Directions

Take the Pork Tenderloin and cut it in half along the length of it, so you end up with two long pieces. Then SHMACK the two pieces with a meat tenderizer, mallet, or some other hard object. Feel free to chant the names of any individuals you wish could be replaced with the tenderloin at that moment. I consider it therapy.

After the two pieces are smashed to 1/2" thickness, place them in a large tupperware dish. On top of the pork pour a healthy portion of Rib Sauce (AH-SO is pretty good) until the pieces are covered. Allow the pork to marinate for at least 5-6 hours inside the refrigerator, flipping the pork and shaking it around in the tupperware so that all sides are covered and get the rib sauce lovin'.

When it's time to cook them place them on top of a medium to high heated grill. Allow the pork to cook for approx 5-10 minutes based on your heat, then brush Honey onto all sides of the pork. You should be getting a little char on the meat, that is okay. Someone in the crowd always likes the well-done portions. Take the meat off a couple minutes after the honey was brushed on, making sure not to burn the pork. That would be bad.

After the pork is cooked, take it off the grill, and proceed to cut it into 1" wide strips. Then enjoy!

Questions and Answers

Please submit any and all food questions to me by email.

I've heard of this "Meat to Bread" ratio. What is that all about?
Submitted By: Anonymous

Ah yes. The Meat to Bread ratio is something that culinary experts use to determine if a sandwich or sub roll was created properly. If there's too much meat, then the sandwich is considered imbalanced. Too little meat, and you should send it back. Most subs should retain a 1:2 Meat to Bread ratio by volume. Sandwiches should be a little lower, a 1:3 Meat to Bread ratio by volume. Salad meats (tuna/chicken salad, etc.) should be even lower, 1:4 Meat to Bread ratio at the most. This is a highly subjective method and you shouldn't start any bar fights over it.